Stressed.

The title of this blog pretty much sums up how I feel today.
Stressed.

I know I just wrote a blog about how happy I am (or trying to be) and how I have everything that I need, which is true. I'm also not here to whine or complain (well....maybe a little bit). I'm mostly just really frustrated and stressed out today about one simple thing that I wish we as a society could just demolish...

Money. Dirty, cold, annoying money.

I understand that that is a completely ridiculas request in most respects, but gosh darn it, it's so frustrating!

Being a student, I have an enormous amount of debt. So much so that I will not scare anyone who's reading this, but just know it's much more then any one person should ever dream of accumulating over a lifetime, let alone gaining over the course of 3 years (and as a side note, I don't have even half of the debt of some students)! I am so excited to be going to school, to learn about something that will someday result in a career in which I can excel and provide for myself and my future family. But bloody hell, they dig you so far down into a pit with debt that the prospect of trying to pay it off is, to say the least, daunting. I'm not the only one who feels this way. Craig, my boyfriend, really struggles with the idea of having to pay off his school debt. He has a fantastic job at a local manufacturing company and makes a decent starting out salary, but there are things, such as living on his own and helping provide me with things, that he can't do because he has a huge amount of student debt. Then you pile on the interest of that debt and he's looking at at least 5 years to pay that off (for a year and a half of time that it took to get his degree), if he makes all his payments and lives like a poor church mouse. By next October (when my program finishes) I will be in the same boat, plus the funds I used while studying for 2 years at Dal.

This is why I'm stressed.

When I finish school I want to start my own photography business. I want to get married and have kids before I'm old. I want to see some parts of the world. I'd like to have a place to live, food to eat. I'd like to have a little bit of comfort. But instead I need to work my butt off to get my debt under control so I can actually try to do some of these things. I hope nobody is wondering why I'm stressed because I'm pretty sure that all of this could stress anybody out.

And you want to know what the cherry is on the top of the cake? As I sit here, typing madly away, I look out my window to my next door neighbours. They live in a dumpy apartment. They don't have the nicest things. Blah blah blah. But while I am working hard to try to be a productive member of society and make a place for myself in this world, do you know what they are doing?

Trafficing drugs. Not working. Drawing government welfare. Getting food at the local food bank. Smoking. Drinking. Sitting on their front step. Fighting. Making illigetiment children.

Granted, this sounds like a horrible way to live, but geez, they aren't starving. They get better TV and internet then I do. None of them are naked. They can do pretty much everything and anything they want. They're just drawing welfare, money that was put in place to help families get up on their feet and has now become something that you can get once you hit 18. Oh, and hey, the more kids you have, the more money you get! And the government doesn't care if you have them with your sister, a kid just equals more money.

I know probably most of you are thinking I'm a horrible person for saying that, but you can't deny that it is a problem. Not to mention the frustration that ensues for the rest of us that have to actually pay back thousands of dollars of stupid student debt for a career that we have no promise on.

I am so stressed. I'm very tempted to just build a little hut somewheres out in a field and eat berries and never deal with money again.

I hope I'm not the only one who feels this way.

So. Now I'm done with that rant. The moral of this post is, if you see me walking down the street, feel free to just shove fistfulls of money at me because I am a stressed out and poor student.

:)

Just one of those days...

Have you ever had one of those days where it seems like everything you touch turns to crap, like you aren't good enough, that nobody cares, etc.?

Today was one of those days.

Yesterday was one of those days.

In fact, this whole week has been full of "one of those days".

I just don't know what is wrong with me. I have so much to be thankful for and ecstatic about. I have a loving Saviour who has put me on this Earth for a reason. I have an amazing family who loves me unconditionally. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is supportive, caring, loving, honest, and kind. He literally treats me like I'm the freakin' Queen of England. I have great friends. I will be starting school in a couple weeks at a great institution where I will learn about things that allow me to be creative and myself. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, money (most of the time) as well as warm clothes and a laptop to keep me occupied.

All this stuff and I am still miserable. I feel like a loser for making the wrong decisions about things. I feel broken due to a past relationship. I feel like I'm so unloveable and when Craig tries to love me I get upset because I feel as though I don't deserve it and I'm afraid of pushing him away. I feel stressed about school and my future because I don't know how I'm going to be able to afford some things. I feel uncreative. I feel like a hot mess.

Today when I was sitting on my couch with tears welling up in my eyes thinking about all of this crap I got so mad at myself. I do have everything I need, and for what I don't I know I will work hard to get it with God's/family's help. I need to stop sulking and just be happy, be loveable, be unbroken. Stop complaining! Let myself relax and be happy (I struggle with just letting happy things happen, which is dumb).

Sometimes, yes, as humans we get down and upset because of A, B, and C reason. But ultimately we are the only things that can pick ourselves back up.

I need to let me pick me up.
I need to let my family and Craig love me and be happy with me.
I need to let issues out of my control go.
I need to relax!

I realize completely that most of the reason why I feel this way this week is due to my body having a lack of estrogen and vitamin D, along with having the blues about embarking on a year of long distance relationships with the people I care most about. I also realize that although those might be factors as to why this week has been rougher, they shouldn't be excuses! I still should be happy.

And starting right now, I'm going to relax and be happy.

A fresh start

Ok.

I did it again. I said I was going to start a blog and did, then posted a couple times and forgot about it. *Sigh*. I should've known that was going to happen. :P

Ohh well. I'm going to try again. This time I'm going to try to post some pictures to be interesting. I left Dalhousie, which was probably one of the biggest and scariest decisions of my entire life, and now I'm going to take photography in Halifax at the Centre for Arts and Technology. I'm living with a high school friend (CJ) and dealing with the joys of living on my own and being broke again.

I have also started dating a guy I went to high school with, Craig, and things are marvelous. :) I actually have not been this happy, genuinely, in a long long time.

So that's pretty much what is new with me. I will hopefully use this space to share my photography, as well as rant about things that are out of my control, like being broke, and not being able to get my self cleaning stove to work properly :P.